the labryinth

Despite what you're about read, I know that a blog is not an online diary. But about a month ago a group of friends and I set out on a pilgrimage and one of our stops was a labyrinth. Not the made of hedges, can you find your way out kind, but the inlaid wood, one way in and one way out kind. The experience was amazing. And seeing as my life is rather solo right now, I'm choosing to share it with all of you (all, of course, refering to the two who faithfully continue to check and see if I've bothered to post something. You guys rock...).

I approach with trepidation. What in the world am I going to think about, pray about, as I wind thru this stupid thing? I know, great attitude, huh? Okay, so one deep breath and I recite to myself (as I do when I’m nervous), “Be joyful always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances…” I take my first step. Okay, maybe I can do this. One more deep breath and another step.

I’m scattered at first – random thoughts to God. I find myself analyzing the people around me. I’m I walking to fast, to slow? I’m I praying right, praying enough? Am I doing this wrong? I realize how silly I am. Another deep breath.
Soon though, I’m focused. One step in front of another, looking at nothing but the path of my next step. Hearing only the soft shuffle of footsteps and the birds outside. Prayers to God. Thanks and rejoices. Admitting struggles and asking forgiveness. Questions and pleas. I look up as I arrive at the center of it all. I’m reluctant to stay too long – it’s too easy to fall out of this glorious thing I’ve started and back into old habits. Back into the comfort of stillness and the known. I pause long enough to thank Him for all that He has revealed to me on my way in and ask Him to continue to surprise me on the way out too.

I step out of the center; step out for the journey home, expecting everything.

As I walk the path thoughts tumble thru me. I think of the men who built this labyrinth and how willing I am to believe that it is leading somewhere – that there is a destination. How can I not trust the maker of the world with my life in the same way?
And what about if I look up from the markings? I know even without trying that I’ll loose my way in the labyrinth. Why don’t I understand that my life is the same way? I’m constantly looking up from what God has laid before me and then I’m surprised at where I end up.
The design of the labyrinth leads you all over the place. One moment I’m near the center and the next back at the outside edge. When I see that I’m so close to the middle, to my goal, it takes all I have not to just take off on my own path. The one that looks to me like the right way, the shorter one, the easier, more comfortable way. And in the end, the one that would probably only lead me away again.
And the switch backs. I’m walking along straight as can be and then suddenly I switch back and walk along side the course where I’ve already been. Yea, that definitely reflects my life. I walk thru life, growing a little, learning a little something. And then I make a silly, selfish decision that forces me to turn around and walk the same path again, learning my lesson anew.

I think of all these things as I walk my path, thanking God for the insight into who I am and I realize that I’m nearing the exit. I pause on the path. I’m struck by all that I’ve learned and suddenly feel very worried about leaving behind what I’ve just found: Amongst all these people and their noise, in the middle of a very busy city, at the start of a eventful and nerve-racking retreat, I’ve finally accomplished the ‘pray continually’ that I always recite to myself. I don’t think that I can leave.

Did I really start out reluctant to enter?

Now I don’t think I’m ready to leave, I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to loose this connection. I rejoice at the realization – sometimes I wonder at my own authenticity.

And then I panic.

I’m not supposed to loose this connection, I need to learn to let in continue in everything I do. It’s a scary prospect. I know the exact places that I’m not inviting Him into. Am I really ready to …no, am I really willing to let Him into them? Silly of course, as He already knows them, but still…I can’t help think it.
I stop. I offer it all. And I take my last step and exit the labyrinth.
I can do this. I know that I’ll stumble. Probably a lot. But, I can do this.

Joyfully,
sugar3